I'll kiss your dead lips only to remember every waking moment with your soul.

I didn't do anything to deserve this.  I want him back.

I need him back, I need everything that we had together.  I was so happy.

And now I'm fucking dealing with this, so he can be happy.  He put a fucking ring on my finger, and told me forever.  You don't do that, then go and fuck someone over like this, you just don't.  He never even broke the engagement off, so technically we still are, instilling me with this false sense of hope that we'll be together again one day.  He says I was just a pawn until he found someone better.  That it was all fake.  You don't fucking fake that, there's no way he could have.  Now I'm alone, without the one thing I love more than anything, crying myself to sleep every night, thinking of some way to die.  I hate feeling like this.  I hate wanting to die, and I hate putting on a stupid fake smile and acting like everything is just fine when all I want to do is fucking die.  I go to school and look at him.  I see me in his arms, it's like I'm looking over us, the way we used to be.  Now we don't talk.  I sit there and stare at him in art class.  I can't concentrate.  I'm always wondering what he's doing.  This was supposed to be a great year for us.  Things were starting to get good again.  We were gonna have a baby together.  I was so excited about that.  I was so ready for everything.  It was all gonna happen for us.  And then he throws it all away.  What kind of person does that to someone.  Why would he lie.  All I ever did was love him.  I loved him and did everything he asked.  Then he started ignoring me.  All I did was love him.  And this is how he treats me.  We build this life up together over the course of a year, and now he's off living it with someone else.  I got him a car.  He took my guitar he bought me for my birthday.  He complains that he wasted 1300$ on a laptop for me, and won't give me that either.  But most of all he took my heart and my dignity, he took himself away from me.  The one thing that made me happy, made me feel safe and complete.  I seriously feel like there's no purpose in me being here anymore.  I feel used, and I feel stupid.  I feel stupid for believing we'd always be together.  I tried to keep us together.  I tried to keep him safe.  He's so different now.  I go to school and see him in clothes that I picked out, and I want to cry.  Why can't we be together?  I don't understand.  Parts of the relationship were so aggravating at times, but I would give up everything just to have those bad times back.  The last good thing I remember was him and I laying in his mom's bed, just laying there in the dark holding eachother, and him telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was again.  He was so perfect.  So amazing.  And then he just stopped.  He started changing after Warped Tour, and I hated it.  He couldn't just be happy with what we had.  I would've done anything he wanted.  But I wasn't putting up with his new smoking habbit, and his new want for partying.  It wasn't him, I knew that.  I quit smoking because he asked me to.  I gave up that lifestyle because he wanted me to.  I started smoking for a short period 'cause he wanted me to.  I kept my hair blonde because he wanted me to.  I did everything he wanted, and never anything I did.  I could never see my friends, he bitched.  I could never talk to my bestfriends that were guys, he bitched.  I couldn't spend time with anyone but him.  But I got to a point to where that's all I wanted to do, I just wanted him.  I was happy just hanging out with him everyday.  I tried so bad to save everything, but he just kept switching his sides.  "Maybe we'll be together again some day, I just need my senior year to do what I want."  "We'll never be together again."  "You and I were a mistake." "Just know I'll never forget you."  I miss him so much.  I miss the feeling I had when I was in his arms.  I miss making food for him, or helping him do chores around his house.  I miss spending time with his family.  I miss those rides in the car where we would just talk.  I miss getting up at 8 in the morning for him to come get me all summer, so we could see eachother before work.  I miss watching his band practice.  I hated the music, but I loved watching him play.  The notes rolled off his fingers as easy as he breathed.  I miss him teaching me things on the guitar.  I miss him writing me notes, I still have the notes..  I miss the cute text messages.  I miss him calling me baby, and us falling asleep on the phone together.  I slept so much better.  I want to know why I can't be happy.  Why does everything that I care about in life turn to shit?  Why doesn't he understand how much I need him?

Everything is extremely annoying lately.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I honestly don't feel like I have a purpose right now.  Everything had a meaning a few months ago, and now there's nothing.  I can barely tolerate the majority of my friends at the moment, it's not that I don't love them, it's just that I'm so confused.  I hate feeling like this, I desperately want my life back.  Or even a new thing, I guess I mainly want to start over.  Be who I really am, and stop being this uptight, stick to one thing, worry about everything, bitch.  I liked being carefree, and being able to have fun with my friends.  I couldn't do that before, and now I'm given to oppertunity to take all of it back, instead of pretending to be an adult when I don't need to be yet.  I'm only 14 forfucksake.  I should be out partying, having fun, shit like that.  I know where to stop, there's nothing I can't handle.  School is nothing once again.  Aside from losing Tom, losing our baby, and everything else, life is just a big blurr.  I don't know what to do, honestly.  I thought I had everything planned, I thought everything was perfect.  Life was perfect.  Then boom, it's gone.  What the fuck.  I obviously have some sort of depression, I'm obviously a troubled child.  I know what I want out of life, but what I want is way different from reality.  I'm not saying my dreams aren't realistic, because they are, it's just I don't know how I'm going to get there now.  In a lot of good ways, I feel better about myself, I feel sexy, I feel like I'm more than I'm percieved to be.  Like I'm taking care of myself better now that I'm on my own, like I used to.  I used to be a people pleaser, in a matter of speaking, and then I really didn't care.  Now I don't care, but I'm still taking care of myself 'cause it makes me feel good.  I was always a very independent person, I didn't take shit from anyone, but for some reason I did.  That wasn't me.  It wasn't even who I wanted to be.  It was so fake.  I was so in love though, I still am, but maybe the whole thing was fake.  I don't know, I don't understand it, probably never will.  But I'm trying to make myself happy again.  I'm getting involved with my music again, which will be great as soon as it actually takes off.  I'm getting to know this boy, that I'm taking great interest in.  He's like actually my type of guy, instead of me just settling for something that's only part of, or not at all something I want.  But I'm going to have to wait and see where that goes, it could be a while.  I'm sure if something ends up happening between us, it'll be worth the wait.  Certain things like this I'm optimistic about, some things I'm not.  I thought I knew who I was, and now I'm back to trying to discover myself again.  Maybe that person that I was a long time ago was who I actually was.  I don't know, it's all confusing.  But basically, there's a boy I'm interested in, that's keeping me happy.  For the most part, I'm happy with my friends, except for those times where I feel extremely annoyed.  Family life is alright, not much to complain about, except my annoying little brother.  I don't know, I'm getting out there, I'm having fun.  I'm trying to enjoy life, and I'm taking it one day at a time.  I guess it's all I can do.  I'll be better off on my own for a while.